Since He Died.

When a friend dies, your memories can absorb your every waking moment. And also your dreams.

I've avoided writing about Nilo's death this long. Good catholic I am, maybe if I do not mention it... Nah, my sister's message last saturday did not leave any questions. Nilo. Ronaldo, his ex-boyfriend, had looked her up because he wanted me to know. Except that my sister's ability to relay the message did not meet my need to know more, to know everything. When? How? Why? It's all too vague. It makes no sense. I need to understand it.

The phases of a lifespan: sweet 16. graduation. graduation 2. marriage. kids. death.

I have some friends whom I do not talk to frequently but that when I do it's like we have never stopped. I guess we all do. And those are the friends you don't worry about, they will be around for that retirememt community at the end of the rainbow we talked about. So it's hard to accept when your master plan needs to be revised. Oh how sellfish I am. My friends are NOT allowed to die before I do. DID YOU HEAR THAT, NILO?

He was such a good person. I do not remember him harboring any bad feelings ever. Extremely intelligente. Religious and unashamed about it. The first time I had a meal with his family I start to eat before prayers were said. Embarassing tho he never made me feel bad about it.We never said prayers in my house. Not that it defined his character. He was THE love machine even though he claimed to be the marrying kind. He was very, very handsome.

I keep having flashbacks. That's when I realize I've been avoiding thinking about him.

We were business partners at 20. We made bags. We bought all the material, designed, contracted it out and sold production ourselves. It's one of my fondest accomplishments. Masterminded by Nilo, of course.

We are both Geminis, so similar but so amazingly different. Yet, it was our ability to feel comfortable in any situation that made us spent so much time together back then. We would traffic Belo Horizonte High Society parties (actually, nothing to brag about) with the same ease we would its gay demimonde (again...). We lived all over the world and would only see each other esporadically. Nilo and Ronaldo moved to NY right after I did but that was short-lived. We are both Geminis but he was Geminier.

He decided to settle in Fortaleza and was the first person to call me on 9/11 begging for me to move back. I could live with him, if I wanted to.

I did not expect we would not have a chance to say good-bye.

I love my friend Nilo.