a blog with cultural bulimia.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

It has been 1 year.

Sometimes you just have to stop and bitch about the roses.

September 6th, 2004 I was taken to St. Vincent's Hospital. My life has changed dramatically since then and it is still changing.

I live in Brazil now, Belo Horizonte, the place where I was born. After 18 years in New York, getting used to it is hard. But after 18 years in New York, I bet Paris would be hard. There are it's compensations. This weekend, for example, I saw my 5yo niece's first ballet recital. Priceless, as the ad goes.

The possibility of a clean start is the motivation to be here. But I miss the friends I left behind more than I miss the city itself.

It seems amazing to me but I am still recovering (physically) 6 months after I left the hospital. I'm much better now, I have enough energy to start looking for a job - which I am. But I still cannot run, for example. Or go out dancing, like I used to love to. I still have a lingering cough. I just did a bronchoscopy to find out if I had any scars in my trachea left from the machines that could be causing it but all's alright inside there. Most likely it's damage in my lungs left from years of snorting stuff. Doctors can't tell me if it will go away.

I can't accept that all events are predetermined and inevitable. I hate fatalist sayings such as "you have a new lease on life", "there are no accidents".

I am still trying to come up with a positive balance from all this.