a blog with cultural bulimia.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

“American Idol” World Court

This week's Shouts and Murmurs by the always funny Paul Rudnick.

"RYAN SEACREST: Welcome, everyone. I’m your host, Ryan Seacrest. Thanks to the overwhelming success of “American Idol,” our panel of judges has been asked, by the international community, to rule on issues affecting us all. So let’s get started: (...) what about global warming?

RANDY: Yo, dawg, when you say “global warming” do you mean, like, sitting by the fire with your lady and getting down to a spicy slow jam by my man Barry White?

PAULA: Oh, oh, or do you mean, like, actually warming the globe? Like toasting one? Wouldn’t it melt?

SIMON: He means, you idiots, that because of human greed we’re in very real danger of ending life as we know it.

PAULA: But I love being warm! We warm the world with talent! Isn’t that what the globe needs? What if we just took all of the most wonderful singers from our show, even that girl whose dad was in prison, and sent them to the North Pole? Would that help?

SIMON: Or what if, for one week, Paula wasn’t allowed to use any selftanning products?

PAULA: I hate you! I hate you! You make me just want to hate you!"